I have been through this feeling many times, but this is the first time I really put into words this kind of feelings.
Inner unrest is what I call it. It is when I feel an unavoidable need to spend time with myself, to think, to debate and reason with myself, or just to be alone with myself, let my thoughts rise within my head, and argue with myself till I am satisfied.
This feeling is rather peculiar. Most people will tell you of the reluctance of parting with loved ones, employing excuses to delay the actual leaving of each other's company, especially so when it is short and few in between. But today, a feeling came upon me that I do not want to haste the time where I should reach my destination, cherishing the moment I have alone, walking through the cooling pathway with lush greens on my left, gentle breeze caressing my face.
At the traffic light crossing, it is a habit for me to cross when there are no more cars within sight, even if the red man is still bright overhead. But today, I felt reluctant to do the usual, and thus bringing closer the time where I shall return to my room again, and be faced with the 4 walls of room 5-101.
Couples may find joy and romance in taking a stroll down a nice path, or by the sandy beach, but this time, I delighted in enjoying the journey with myself, the "romance" so to speak, of enjoying the nature God has created, intertwined with civilisation and concrete structures to make the picture complete. It is so delightful I can't explain even to myself, that I should be more fulfilled walking alone thus than with someone I consider dear.
I wished I could share the company of God, walking in prayer, and pouring my heart out to Him. That, however, didn't happen. I do not yet consider Him as close to share my deepest thoughts, most personal desires. It may be analogous to my earthly father, as much as I love him for what he has done for me, I have not shared my deepest desires, darkest thoughts with him. He is a figure of respect, fear, and a model, but not the personal friend that I will share my life with. In fact, to be exact, I do not have any friends so close that I will share my personal thoughts with, I do not see anyone that genuinely cares enough for me to open my heart to.
And so it is with God. Somehow, I can't imagine someone so Magnificent, Respected, and Feared, to be so personal, caring, and close in a way I could talk to Him as a friend, and share my struggles with. There is no example, nothing for the imagination to build on, but rather, a whole new concept that I have to build upon myself, with only the Word of God as my guide. I long for a friend, a lover to share my struggles with, and Jesus says He is the answer.
I am still anxious, apprehensive, like a child will be when he first touch the water in the child's pool. He sees that it is fun, his friend tells him it's fun, and joy is written on all the faces of the kids playing in the pool. But still he is unsure, still he puts his feet in one step, and withdraws it again, thinking, perhaps, that he may not be like the other kids, he may not have some skills they have, that he is not good enough for the water. It is new, it is foreign, there are risks, he has no experience.
When the kid finally goes in to join the group, he will pick up quickly enough, then fun and excitement will ensue. So it is with me. I should have the faith to take the first step. I do not know how to pray, or how to walk closer to Him, but I know that there is always a first time, and the reward is worth the try.
Christmas musical plans are already laid on the table. Uncle Ivan has already began his "outreach" to enlist the help of the campus group. I wish so much to help, but I am held back by commitments.
There will be a professional director this time round, graduated from The States. It will be so interesting, I wished I could just assist, or tag along and learn more about the art of directing. It will definitely be a eye-opening exposure.
But I question my motives to serve. Am I serving God? Or is this just for personal satisfaction, to satisfy my curiosity and interest in directing? It sounds fun, it looks very ambitious and challenging, but are my intentions right?
I see this as a great opportunity to see God working through the whole team. We are expecting an audience 3000 strong, adding up both sessions. I don't see how we can do this humanly, and I want to witness His power and working through our faithful Uncle Ivan.
I really need to pray that whatever small role I will be dealing with, I can commit it to God, and serve not for my self gratification, but for my love for Him. I do not know why I never feel what I should feel, why I always serve because it's fun and not because I want to serve. But I pray that he should put me in the right spirit, that I should gain a joy far greater than self appraisal.
To God be the Glory.